In pursuit of visual journaling

Here is a snippet of something I made last night. I guess you could call it a visual journal page. I’m still a bit tentative to call it that, as I’m still sort of in research mode, trying to get some kind of definition for what it is, if only in my own head. I suspect the term “visual journaling” is one of those terms that can encompass a lot of things and means different things to different people.

I got my copy of the book The Creative Entrepreneur: A DIY Visual Guidebook for Making Business Ideas Real in the mail the other day, and promptly devoured it. I intend to reread it, going through it more slowly to try out some of the exercises and prompts. Initially, my main goal was just to further my understanding of self-help through art and journaling. It definitely helped with that, but what I was surprised to find was some left-brained power tools, geared toward the right brained thinker. Great advice on setting achievable goals and creating strategies for how to achieve them; and this advice applies to anything, not just business. The author advocates using the methods for non-business goals specifically so that you can flex your left brained muscles. I liked the book so well that my next step is to explore her website, Creative Entrepreneur.

My impulse to visit her website is motivated in part by the fact that as much as I enjoyed the book and found it helpful, I found the lack of depth in some areas a bit frustrating. While the are journaling prompts along the lines of “I’ve always wanted to…” and “My creative dream is:” are designed to help you get focused about starting a creative business, for me it’s kind of putting the cart before the horse. My problems are not finding the chutzpah to make my dreams real, or narrowing my focus from broad to manageable. I’m having trouble finding the chutzpah to dream in the first place, or narrowing my focus from staggering and spastic to something that simply doesn’t make me feel like I’m in danger of spontaneous combustion.

I suppose that’s what journaling – and similarly, blogging – is all about. Working through one’s inner Stuff. I’m jealous and angsty because I wish I could be a bit more focused and confident. I feel like a freak because I don’t know ANYTHING about what I want from life except that the entrepreneurial drive is strong with me. But really? That’s probably very common. So I’ve got some added weirdness from being more left-brained than most artists, and the depression and Asperger’s issues sure don’t help. And that sucks. Now I’ve vented, and complained, and possibly not made much sense outside my own head (my apologies if that’s the case.) Well, perhaps that’s just the pressure valve I need, and I can go into the studio and try again to use some of my new goal-setting tools to work some of this out.

Backgrounds, planning, and meditations

This bouquet of brilliant backgrounds is most photogenic of the myriad things that have gobbled up the week or so it’s been since I last blogged (still getting the hang of doing so regularly, I must admit!). I’m running a background swap at my ATC group’s retreat at the end of the month, and I’m trying to make sure I have quite a few of my own to swap. I’m not sure how many I’ll be able to part with, I love how most of these came out! That’s the joy of working on a somewhat bigger scale; making an 8.5″ x 11″ sheet of watercolor paper will produce 10 beautiful ATC backgrounds, as well as a few tiny scraps. I’m sure I’ll be able to part with at least a few from each sheet.

Aside from playing with paints, I’ve been very busy planning our retreat; I’m in charge of coordinating the Activity Guide. There’s been a ton of work involved getting descriptions and supply lists written and rewritten, but I am blessedly nearing completion. I’m eager to have it taken care of so that I can put more of my mental cycles to some bigger issues that have been plaguing me.

I’ve been very preoccupied lately with figuring out what my future holds, with – as the blog says – finding my path. I’m living with a lot of pain right now, from so many sources I’m having difficulty sorting it all out. I’m letting go of a business that once held so much promise but in the end just caused me a lot of pain. I’m learning to live with seasonal depression all over again, as a very rainy summer has left me scrambling for new tools. I’m pondering what it means to be on the autistic spectrum, what it means to be an artist, and how a person like that can fit into a society that doesn’t really seem to know how to accept either of those things. I’m struggling to find my identity, to understand my strengths and weaknesses, and how to make peace with it all.